What does a shift in your grief, even a tiny, momentary one, mean to you? What does it say about loss? Or love?
I'm afraid of the pain dulling because I am afraid of more and more time separating Charlie and I because I am afraid since I only knew him outside of my belly for 17 days I may forget something; or everything. Any tiny shift in grief makes this reality evident. It is one of the most painful parts of grief because it makes my grief turn into guilt or the possibility of guilt. It's all so tricky, really. One thing leads to another or the thought that "another" might be possible. It includes "what ifs" and "it could have been" and all of those things only shatter the hope that I am trying to focus my mind on each and every day. Charlie is okay. He was given his miracle.
At one point last year I was so upset on the phone with my sister that she couldn't even understand what I was saying. I had interchanged Charlie's birthday with his angel day and then I completely blanked on his weight and height from when he was born. What kind of mom forgets their child's birthday? Or just a month after he is born how could I have forgotten how much he weighed?! It was heartbreaking because this shift in my grief made me feel guilty. It made me sick to think that I could possibly let these important details of his life slip from my mind. It made me wonder if others would question how much I loved him. The thing though that I keep telling myself is that Charlie okay. He was given his miracle whether I remember his birthday or not.
Part of me thinks that my inability to remember could be replaced or interchanged with my ability to forget. Am I forgetting because I need to to stay sane or am I forgetting because I am not remembering enough?! This argument in my mind is ongoing. It keeps my grief alive and real.
The worst part of all this is that I miss Charlie with everything in me. These stupid silly thoughts take my focus from him and put it on me and my selfish, confused, grief stricken self. I've got to let go of that and just remember him and how he changed my life for the better. He made me a mom for the third time. And now as I mentioned before I get to remember that he is in heaven. He is happier than he could ever be here on earth.