This evening Macy and Johnny both asked me about Charlie while they were laying in bed. For some reason rain seems to bring memories of him. Most evenings we share our favorite things before we pray. Tonight Macy asked me what my favorite Halloween costume is and then followed up with "Where is Charlie?" I reminded her that he is in heaven with Jesus and she said, "I wish he would come back here with us." I always just say, "Me too." She asked me for his bear with the blue monogram "Charlie" written across the belly and held onto him tightly. She said, "This is good Mommy; I can just snuggle his bear. I will make sure he isn't scared." That knocked the breathe out of me. I am so thankful he (Charlie) is not scared.
I finally got Macy settled and at least under her covers for a few minutes to go make sure Johnny was in bed. I climbed in bed with him and started the same routine with him. He always, always wants to know my favorite sport and my favorite train. Not an evening goes by without him learning or (relearning I should say) my favorite sport and my favorite train. I like basketball and boxcars by the way...John then asked if he could bring Charlie chocolate "nugga bars" (granola bars) because he thinks he would love them. I explained again to John after just saying the very same words in Macy's room that he is in heaven and then explained that he is certainly not going hungry and can have whatever makes his heart content. He said, "I miss him Mommy. I want him here with us."
Well those two officially know how to make my heart hurt and smile at the same time. They have helped me understand that you can have grief or sadness alongside joy. The tears can sting your eyes while your heart learns over and over again God makes good from all things.