Suffering

Days that are wholly devoted to pregnancy and infant loss bring up so many mixed emotions in my heart.  I am thankful my Charlie and so many others babies are remembered and then I am also so hurt that this day has to happen.   It feels wrong to me that there has to be a day set aside to remember our babies.  And it is wrong.  I know it was not part of God's perfect creation.  

I recently read an article a friend posted on social media from Relevant magazine.  It meant so much to me to read this and at this exact moment too.  It was exactly what I wanted and exactly what I needed to help heal another small piece of my heart.  The article titled, "Yes, God Will Give You More Than You Can Handle" gave me a place to lay my burdens.

The article describes the phrase so many people use to ease our pain when we suffer.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."  But as I read through the rest of the article I learned {again} that suffering is different than temptation.  We have been given free will and we get to make our own decisions.  Will we fall into temptation?  Will we sin?  That is up to us.  We can decide.  However, when Charlie was born and our world fell apart on July 17th when he died in my arms, I didn't get to choose.  It was ok that I felt like I couldn't handle that day and the months to come.  It was ok that my soul was overwhelmed.

Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit."

When we learn that he suffers with us and that he is broken for us it gives us a place to go when we feel lonely.  It gives us someone else that understands how we feel when it seems like no one can.

As October 15th comes closer into view and I can barely lift my arm to light the candle in our kitchen to honor and remember Charlie I pray that the least I can do is realize that this suffering is too much.  It can be too much to endure and that has nothing to do with 1 Corinthians 10:13.  It has everything to do with God's grace and all sufficient power and love that keeps up going each day even when it's too much.  Seeing that face and not being able to kiss it is too much today.