When Satan tries to get you to believe you are a failure there is always a bigger and stronger God there waiting to pick you up and carry you through those days of anguish and frustration. I've been there and experienced that in the most real ways after losing Charlie. I have written so many times about the people in my life being the literal hands and feet of Jesus when I needed serious help (among other things) that I didn't even know I needed.
This week isn't comparable to the physical, mental, and emotional pain I experienced (and still experience) with Charlie, however, it has not been one of my best weeks. I have experienced so much negative. I have been wounded by words. I have been disappointed by attitudes. I have been told in so many words; you are a failure. You aren't good enough.
The most ironic thing about all of this (which isn't really ironic at all if you believe in Jesus) is that tonight in our small group we were asked to play a game called "Cards For Humanity." It has a similar format of the game that I know just popped into your mind, however, these cards are positive. They are life giving and this evening as we delved into this game with one another the cards helped us identify for one another who we are.
I was excited. I loved finding just the right card for each person in the group. It made me smile over and over each time my new friends turned over their cards and read them. And then it was my turn. And I will say that I am not good at receiving kind words about myself. I have no idea where that comes from. I have no idea why I am that way, but I realized instantly that's a problem and I stopped myself and just let God open up my heart to what all these sweet people were about to say.
Side note, I have known them all (excluding one or two) for only two Wednesday small group sessions.
So, it was my turn to flip over the cards everyone had placed in front of me and to say that I was humbled as I read each one is an understatement. The fact that the people surrounding me chose the cards that they chose to describe me and affirm me made my heart smile. God right there in that instant eliminated the negative and completely filled me back up with the purpose he put in my life. I was made in his image and the thoughts expressed through the cards that I revealed when I turned them over one at a time were something that will continue to get me through this week and month and beyond that, I'm positive. If people see me the way they described me using those simple cards from this game then I know I am fulfilling God's purpose in my life.
I know I'm not perfect, however, I will not stop believing. I will stay as sweet as honey. I will be the one crying with you even when I don't know why we're crying. And I will have to learn to receive the others. I will accept that God gave me gifts and I am using them and that is exactly what I should be doing.
Period. End of story.