Happy 3rd Birthday Charlie!

Imagine you have a party planned for someone special.  You bought the cake, you arranged dinner, you even bought gifts.  Then imagine that person decided not to show up for their party.

Disappointing huh?!

I realize our situation is different because in our case Charlie can't show up.  Our guest of honor can't come to his own birthday parties.  In fact, he will never be able to attend a party that is thrown in his honor.  And this year for some reason I couldn't quite get it together.  I couldn't make myself plan something big for him.  I went back and forth with plans and what to do and how to celebrate and then I dropped the ball.

Don't get me wrong we all spent the day together.  We did the park in the morning with good friends, we visited a new park/adventure center in Ohio with Gigi and Poppy, and then had dinner at Rio Grande with Lolli and Pop.

But we did not visit his grave.

We did not eat cake.

We did not blow out candles.

I'm not sure what it was but I couldn't mentally handle those things today.

I guess its selfish but I didn't want to see his grave today.  I didn't want to remember him dead.

I didn't want to have a cake and blow out candles for him.  I didn't want to think about how he can't do that on his own because he is dead.

It's all the things you think about when someone you love dies.  You worry about their birthday and other special holidays.  You worry about how you will "do" those days.  And sometimes thinking about them makes you able to move forward through them constantly thinking about the hope you know you have in heaven.  And then other times you just can't move through them gracefully.  You don't visit their grave.  You don't eat cake.  And you don't blow out candles.  

Today, even though we didn't visit Charlie, eat birthday cake, or blow out candles, we still talked about him.  We still thought about him.  We still love him with all of our hearts.  Today that is enough.

And maybe tomorrow we can celebrate with cake.  Maybe we will go see him at the cemetery and talk about how much we love him and miss him while we are there.

Happy birthday little one.  We miss you so very much.