Confidence

Today I ran a half marathon and I am so competitive I don't even want to type my time on MY own blog.  I have no idea why the narrative in my head (the entire time I ran and beyond) is that "I am not good enough. I am slow.  I should be able to run faster.  I will never be as fast as..."  As I type it I know it sounds so silly.  I finished a half marathon and I teach my own children and my students to be proud of accomplishing a goal they set.  Today I met a goal of running and finishing a half marathon in MARCH that I was slated to run in MAY.  I should feel proud!  As a part of my training I was prepared to run two months ahead of schedule.  I ran it slow but I finished.    

Fast forward a few hours, the twins had their last soccer game today at 1:50.  Macy has wanted to score a goal the entire season.  She talks about it on the way to each and every game.  We even made a deal that she could get a ring pop from the concession stand if she scored a goal during one of her games.  Today was the last day for her to meet that goal and she did!  She scored TWO goals.  She was so proud of herself.  She didn't think one single time about how long it took her or that she isn't good enough because it was her first goal all season.  She didn't care that others had scored goals before her.  She just celebrated and felt proud of her accomplishment.  She was confident that she had done her best.  

I am realizing as I type this sometimes I want to be more like my kids.  They have something special that lets them feel joy and pride and pure happiness without any feeling of self doubt.  It was so eye opening as I thought more about this and then read this scripture today as well.  

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."  Hebrews 10:35-36

Some may or may not think that running this half marathon today was "God's will" but I have been finding myself in dark places where I know I go when I do not take care of myself.  I am slipping back into this black hole of depression quickly and this was one way I could do something about it.  I have to take care of my body and my mind.  This half marathon and the training schedule I keep when I am training for something like this gives me time alone, doing something that keeps me feeling happier and more willing to find the light.  I know it is God's will for me in this season.  He knows I am able to experience hope and love in such a different way when I exercise and spend time working through my thoughts in  a healthy way.

So here's to a 2:24 minute half marathon.  I don't care if people run a full marathon in the time I ran the half today.  I did MY best for half way through my training schedule and I am proud to say I am feeling a bit better moving forward with a plan and an attitude that says, "I am good enough.  I am fast enough.  I am glad I am running.  I am glad I finished."