God's Goodness

God promises us so many things.  He blesses us more fully than we can comprehend.  One scripture that continually comes to my mind is the verse in Romans that says, "...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  He promises us good things when we love him. 

Now, I realize this statement coming from a bereaved momma may seem odd or may be difficult to understand for some.  I can look back and tell you that I did not always think this scripture was true.  I didn't think there was any possible way that good things could come from Charlie's death.  I even asked God (many times) why he would write something like that in scripture when I was uncovering how impossible it was on a daily basis.  But I kept asking and wrestling with God and I eventually began uncovering small things that I would call "good" along the way. 

Now I know that good things can come from death, even my own son's death.  It is still kind of hard to write that, and actually even harder to feel it in my heart.  How can a mother think good things could come from their child passing away?  It is probably counter-culture to walk through grief and want to experience joy and "good things" but I am learning how crucial it is to do that in order to heal.  Walking through grief (the hard and painful emotions) to experience joy (the good Jesus promises us) is what God created us to do.  For everything there is a season.  He doesn't want us to get stuck in grief.  He wants us to walk through it and let it change us but not destroy us.     

I wish I could share all the ways God has stretched and strengthened my heart.  I wish you could feel how deeply I want Charlie back in my normal day to day while I continue to walk without him.  I wish I could share how God has healed me enough to continue to share my story.  I wish I could explain how I have learned how much more important it is to listen than speak.  But more than anything else I wish you could have seen the unraveling of the story that I experienced tonight that was SO far from my mind when I walked into the Russell's home.     

Tonight I was able to finally see all the pieces and parts of a web God had been weaving for YEARS come undone for two people that probably needed the joy that rocked our world more than anyone else in that moment.  Unbeknownst to me when I walked into bible study tonight I met Caleb's mom.  And for those of you that do not know, Caleb is right next to Charlie at St. Stephen Cemetery. 

I have prayed over his family.  I have left things at his grave.  I have thought to myself, the boys must be playing together up in heaven.  I have asked God to introduce me to Caleb's mom.  And in the most unlikely of circumstances tonight (four YEARS after Caleb's headstone was set) we met and we hugged.  We shed tears over our boys and their memory and if I had to guess we found a friend in one another that understands the deepest part of our soul tonight.  We found a friendship that could not possibly have been formed without the bond of our babies in heaven. 

I'd do anything to have Charlie back but since this side of heaven I don't have that choice I will take my new friend as a "good thing" God is giving me to help me walk through the tough stuff while I am here on Earth.  And thank goodness he wants us to do life with people because tonight that was exactly what I needed at the exact moment that I needed it.  I am thankful for that blessing.  I am thankful he cares deeply enough to weave a new friend into my life on the exact same day that my kids got out of the car after school and I started crying because I missed my boy.